Opposites Attract?
by Undead Ballerina
Summary: A truly frightening look at what may have happened if Raistlin gave into Crysania's charms. Chapter 9: Raistlin Freaks Out is up!
1. Prologue

Opposites Attract?

Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Raistlin Majere, Lady Crysania of Tarinius or anything else pertaining to Dragonlance. If I did, I'd have a hell of a lot more pocket money right now.

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It's a beautiful day in Krynn. The bright early autumn sun is shining through the trees of a dense forest. By a nearby stream, a beautiful young cleric holds the frail hand of a rather scary-looking mage against her cheek.

Crysania: (rapturously) We will alter time, you and I! You are more powerful than Fistandantilus. I am stronger in my faith than Denubis! I heard the Kingpriest's demands of the gods. I know his mistake! Paladine will answer my prayers as he has in the past. Together, we will change the ending ... you and I... (looks sappily into his hourglass eyes like a puppy begging to be loved)

Without any warning whatsoever, the two begin to kiss wildly, lowering themselves down onto the dry leaves, like a bunch of overly hormonal teenagers. After all, what else can one expect from a sexually repressed priestess alone with a male virgin in his mid-twenties?

Raistlin: (gasping for much-needed breath) Revered daughter, this is hardly…_'riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip_'

(wheezes in surprise) That was my only robe, damn you! _'hack'_…This is weakness, WEAKNESS!…Oh, who am I trying to fool! Now how do I get this thing off?

Two figures, invisible to the human eye, watch the festivities. Lunitari, the red-haired goddess of neutral magic, tries to hold in peals of amused laughter over the carnal struggle. Her cousin Nuitari, pale, handsome and enigmatic, watches the amorous activities of his black-robed disciple with distaste.

Nuitari: (coldly) How disappointing. I would have thought that the Master of the Past and Present would have been above the temptations of the flesh. Doesn't he know that power is more lasting and satisfying than sex?

Lunitari: (snidely) You certainly seem to, as I can't recall you having a date since the Age of Starbirth.

Nuitari: Silence! It's not my fault I am related to just about every other deity…Do you hear THAT?

(The two gods listen in silence as the sounds of violent hacking and chocking all but drown out the rustling of garments and the cleric's sighs.)

Nuitari: …Twenty steel pieces says that he will suffer cardiac arrest before their little interlude is over.

Lunitari: What! I'd be crazy to take that bet...

Crysania: Ow! Your ribs!

Raistlin: Sorry.

Lunitari: So what does this mean, Nuitari? Do you think Little Miss Holier-Than-Thou has succeeded into converting him to the side of good?

Nuitari: Oh ye of little faith. No, he will probably turn out like Ladonna, who shags that elderly white-robe in her spare time.

Lunitari: Ugh! Could there be anything more disgusti? (glances back at the happy couple) FATHER CHAOS! She's KILLING him!

Nuitari: Heh, I didn't know mortals were capable of that. You would think their weak spines would snap from the intense strain.

Raistlin: (cracking noise) _'wheeze'_ Dammit!…


	2. Marital Bliss

Opposites Attract?

Note: Once again, I don't own Dragonlance and I am not making any money off of this. On another topic, thank you for the reviews so far! I'm always eager to find out other's opinions on my writing. Well, this chapter is a lot longer than the last one, and I hope you enjoy!

Undead Ballerina

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Chapter 2: Marital Bliss

Three months after the 'forest episode', in the Master Chamber of the Tower of High Sorcery, the lovely cleric of Paladine wakes up in a huge canopy bed with gargoyles carved into the posts. The mage, wearing his usual black robe, is sipping his medicinal tea while looking over an arcane tome.

Raistlin: Looks like you've finally decided to wake up, Revered Daughter. Tell me, do all spoiled aristocrats and pampered clergymen keep the same lazy hours as you do?

Crysania: (rubbing her eyes) Raistlin. We've been married for three months now; I think you can eschew the formalities.

Raistlin: Hmmph...so how did you sleep?

Crysania: Not too well...there's a huge lump in the blankets or the mattress that's bothering me.

Raistlin: (sarcastically) The gods forbid...is there anything ELSE you find displeasing with your new home?

Crysania: Well...Darling, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm just so TIRED of being cloistered in this tower. It's dark, gloomy, your minions terrify the wits out of me and so forth. Besides, there's not really much for me to do around here.

Raistlin: (rolling his hourglass eyes) Well, why don't you go out on your own? I'm not keeping you prisoner...(starts to take a sip of his herbal tea)

Crysania: I was thinking...maybe we should go over to the Inn of the Last Home and pay Caramon and Tika a visit.

Raistlin: (sputtering violently)...Gack! You cough PURPOSELY waited until I was choke drinking, didn't you?

Crysania: What? No, I didn't.

Raistlin: Don't deny it, you _'wheeze_' coquettish dissembler! I see the wheels working in your devious little clerical mind. You're still trying to get me back for refusing to marry you in the Temple of Paladine.

Crysania: Oh, honestly, Raistlin! I'm not that petty.

Raistlin: I would argue otherwise! You complained for days about how inflexible I was when I was perfectly willing to compromise! I suggested that a priest of Takhisis conduct the ceremony and you refused that.

Crysania: But I had a good reason. That goddess is corrupt and evil!

Raistlin: And then when we found a suitable neutral, middle ground, you still weren't happy.

Crysania: That's because it was a disaster that ended in homicide.

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FLASHBACK TO THREE MONTHS AGO, IN THE TEMPLE OF GILEAN

Crysania: Hail good priest and bright blessings be bestowed onto you!

Priest: Meh. What can I do for you?

Crysania: This gentleman and I, we wish to be married. Will…

Raistlin: (interrupting sulkily) Actually, she insisted on it.

Crysania: (ignoring him) ...Will you conduct the proper ceremonies for us so that we may be blessed underneath the gods?

Priest: (shrugs) I guess.

Crysania: (beaming joyously) Wonderful!

Priest: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now hold each other's hands.

Crysania: Certainly (reaches for her 'true love' affectionately)

Raistlin: Ugh, they're freezing! And I thought your demeanor was cold.

Crysania: Shhh! Proceed, good priest.

Priest: All right. 'Ahem' In the name of Gilean, I bless this union... There, you're married. Go home!

Crysania: (blinks) That's...IT?

Priest: Look, lady. Gilean is the god of NEU-TRA-LI-TY, he doesn't CARE whether a gold-skinned weirdo and a puritan cultist get hitched or not. Come to think of it, we're not quite sure he cares about anything beyond knowledge...

Crysania: (fuming) Weirdo? CULTIST! Why, you impertinent…

Raistlin: Steady, Revered Daughter, let's not have an aneurysm over this. (Turns to the other cleric) Well, Priest, if your god is so apathetic, then perhaps he won't mind my incinerating you...( a large flaming ball of light appears in his right hand) Heh heh heh 'cough'

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Crysania: I still can't believe you did that! You didn't have to kill the poor man, Raistlin.

Raistlin: I realize that, Revered Daughter.

Crysania: Then why did you do it?

Raistlin: (smiling mockingly) Because I wanted to remind you that I have no soft, sensitive side for you to try and bring out of me.

Crysania: (reaching underneath the covers of their bed) Wait a minute, I think I've found what I've been sleeping on...a stuffed rabbit!

Raistlin:...GIVE ME THAT!


	3. The Divine Dating Scene

OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

Note: Sorry for not being able to update for a few days but I've been exhausted between work and dance recitals. As for the reviews, I'm just thrilled that so many people are enjoying my insane little writings. As for disturbing…why does everyone keep SAYING that? blinks innocently

Undead Ballerina

CHAPTER 3: DIVINE ROMANCE

Just as Raistlin snatches the plush rabbit away from his wife, there is a loud knocking on the chamber door.

Dalamar: Shalafi? You're not…err…"busy" at the moment, I trust?

Raistlin: (eyes narrowing) This better be important, elf, unless you would like five more holes in that pallid chest of yours.

Dalamar: (laughing nervously) Heh heh heh, no, Shalafi. It's about your sister Kitiara.

Raistlin: I see. If you will excuse us for a moment, Crysania…

Crysania: You're finally calling by my first name!

Raistlin: Out!

Crysania: (frowning slightly) If you insist…I shall be in the library if anyone wants to see me.

The raven-haired cleric of Paladine brushes past the elven apprentice, wrinkling her nose as she exits.

Raistlin: Well? What is this dire information that you have to give to me?

Dalamar: Kitiara and her army have fallen to the Golden General so she had to flee back to Solace. Your brother, that ever-forgiving dolt has decided to give her a place to stay, much to his wife's chagrin. Oh yes, and she apologizes for missing the wedding. But she did send you this gift.

The elf hands him a brilliantly wrapped parcel.

Raistlin: (reading the card) "Dear Dalamar, sorry for not keeping in touch but work piled up. Thanks for that little bout of fun all those weeks ago. And don't feel too bad about it only being 8 minutes, you seem to be under a lot of stress. Anyway, enclosed are those leopard skin panties that you admired so much. K."

Dalamar: (turning scarlet) Oh…wrong package. Here.

Raistlin: I don't even want to know, apprentice. (sighs) "Dear Raist, heard about you and the Princess of Purity tying the knot. Really, I thought we raised you better than that! So, how's the sex? Is her idea of 'kinky' doing it with the lights on? Sorry about having Soth try to kill her. To make up for it, I've sent you a belated wedding present. Hopefully it will help spice things up. Love, Kit."

Dalamar: Now this I have to see!

Raistlin: Yes. I hate to admit it but the curiosity is getting the better of me as well…(tears open the colorful paper. Inside is a long cylinder made of polished wood that has a dial with setting that range from Pleasant Tingle to the Earth Shaker). A "Wand of Vibration?" What in the Nine Hells!

Dalamar: (snickering) Oh, Crysania will just love THAT, Shalafi. It's the gift that keeps on giving! And look, there are also little bottles of flavored massage oil…

Raistlin: I cannot believe I gave up my quest for deification for THIS! Surely the gods don't have to deal with such humiliation!

Meanwhile, in a sinister-looking tower constructed entirely out of gleaming hematite bricks on the Dark Moon, a certain goddess of neutral magic wanders into her cousin's study.

Lunitari: So, how goes the search for a date?

Nuitari: Frustrating, but I have decided to make the search go easier by constructing a list of all the female deities and their romantic potential. Want to hear it?

Lunitari: Sure, it's not like I have anything important to do like, say, try to bring a magical renaissance to Krynn.

Nuitari: Fine. "Artha…goddess of lust but my half-sister and likely has every sexually transmitted disease in existence. Chislev… too busy hugging tress and refuses to shave her legs. Mishakal…has that sexy nurse thing going but already with Paladine. and obnoxious."

Lunitari: Excuse me?

Nuitari: Quiet! You'll make me lose track of where I am! Moving on; "Shinare…similar work ethic to mine but likely screwing pyromaniac Sirrion. Takhisis…my MOTHER, ugh! Zeboim…my sister and one crazy bitch to boot." Hmmph. Unfortunately, none of this sounds very promising.

Lunitari: Well, have you considered someone a little less…omnipotent? Maybe one of our more attractive disciples?

Nuitari: (coldly) I truly hope that you're not insinuating that I should lower my standards by consorting with a mortal. By the Highgod, I am not THAT desperate!

Lunitari: Uh-huh.

Nuitari: SHUT UP! (lengthy pause) …All right, who do you suggest? Besides Ladonna, I mean. That woman disturbs me. And Jenna because she would deny the existence of our relationship and always try to talk about finances in bed. And don't even consider any of the white robes!

Lunitari: You know, for someone that hasn't gotten laid in a couple of millenniums you're awfully choosy. 


	4. Nuitari's Big Date

OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragonlance or any of its characters. Please don't sue me. You really don't want to see an 18-year-old girl bawl like an infant, do you? It's not pretty.

Embient and Ironi Numar: Raistlin and Crysania with rug rats? I may have something in store for you in the later chapters if you get my drift…

Celebrindae: I know what you mean. Imagine the blasphemy that would occur if someone depicted Caramon as SMART or Kitiara as MONOGAMOUS. However, if we didn't stray from the cannon every now and then, would we even have fan fiction? Tee hee, I hope you enjoy Nuitari's date with the mortal of his dreams!

Undead Ballerina

CHAPTER 4: NUITARI'S BIG DATE   
IN THE LIBRARY OF THE HIGH TOWER OF SORCERY, WE FIND THE REVERED DAUGHTER PERUSING RAISTLIN'S PRIZED COLLECTION OF MAGICAL TOMES…

Live One: H-hello m-mistress…the d-day finds-s you w-well?

Crysania: Aiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee! (startled, she flings a spell book at it )

Live One: Eeegah!..(slithers behind a bookcase in fear and cowers) I m-meant no harm, M-mistress, n-no harm…Please d-don't h-h-hurt S-Squishy!

Crysania: Oh. I'm terribly sorry about that, err…Squishy. I just didn't expect you to creep up behind me. I hope I didn't hurt you.

Squishy: N-no m-more than us-usual, M-m-mistress. We s-s-suffer tomentss far g-greater than you could ev-ever i-imagine. We exist in a con-con-constant s-state of tor-tu-ous agony and wr-writhing, s-seething pa-pa-PAIN for which there is n-no relief…

Crysania: (grimacing) How…pleasant. So how did you get your name? Did Raistlin give it to you?

Squishy: N-no, M-mistress. The m-master is far t-too b-busy with his s-studies. It was ap-prentice D-Dalamar who n-named us.

Crysania: Hmmm…Not very sensitive, is he?

Squishy: C-could be w-worse. S-some of th-the other n-names were "M-Mucous", "Pus-face", "S-Snotball" a-and "Cedrick"

IN THE GOD OF DARK MAGIC'S ABODE ONCE MORE…

Nuitari: You realize you're not really helping me or my self image right now.

Lunitari: All right, I'm sorry. I'll be serious now.

Nuitari: (relaxing) Thank you. That's all I ask.

Lunitari: (smiling secretively) You know, I think I may just have the perfect woman for you, Nuitari.

Nuitari: (now suddenly interested) Really…?

Lunitari: Let me see…oh yes, she happens to be a queen among her people, she is considered exceptionally intelligent by her peers, she has a great attraction for magic-users

Nuitari: (practically drooling) Well, what are you waiting for? Send her here!

Lunitari: Are you sure?

Nuitari: Yes.

Lunitari: Are you really sure?

Nuitari: Yes, damn you! Summon her already!

Lunitari: If you insist…

THERE IS A BRIGHT FLASHING LIGHT AND IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM STANDS THE DIMINUATIVE FIGURE OF THE DARK GOD'S WOULD-BE SWEETHEART…

Bupu: (joyously throwing her arms around Nuitari's knees) Pretty man!

Nuitari: Urk! Get it off me! Get it OFF me!

Bupu: (pulling away) Wait…this not pretty man! What you do with Raistlin, tricksy Red Lady!

Lunitari: I never said I'd bring you to Raistlin, Bupu dear, I said I'd bring you to a handsome black-robe.

Bupu: (indignant) Bupu's been had! Me leave home for THIS! I go back to Xaks Tsaroth and eat…

Lunitari: Wait, Bupu! See how lonely Nuitari looks? He hasn't got a nice lady to settle down with.

Bupu: Well…me not interested, but I got sisters if he want!

Nuitari: (looking nauseous) Ugh, no thank you. I'd miss the moon too much.

Bupu: If you sure! In that case, Bupu give you charm to help find nice lady! (pulls a dead lizard out of a sack) Okay, now you give magic lizard biiiiiig kiss!

Nuitari: WHAT?

Bupu: (firmly) No argue! Here, I help! (presses the stiff reptile to the god's lips)

Nuitari: ARGH!

Bupu: (proudly) He irresistible to ladies now.

Lunitari: Right you are, little one! And for your help, I'll send to Raistlin for real this time!

THE GULLY DWARF VANISHES IN ANOTHER FLASH OF LIGHT.

Nuitari:……

Lunitari: (laughing) There…hee hee…you're all…heh heh heh…cured!...BWA HA HA HA!

Nuitari: (grabbing an enchanted blade off the wall) PREPARE TO DIE, WRETCH!

LATER THAT EVENING, IN THE MASTER CHAMBER WE FIND THE MAGE AND HIS WIFE BEDDING DOWN FOR THE EVENING.

Raistlin: (untying his robe) Well, Crysania, I hear you have been abusing my Live Ones once more.

Crysania: (flushing) I didn't do it on purpose! Squishy came up from behind me and I was startled so I

Raistlin: Wait just one moment…"Squishy"!

Crysania: (patiently) The name of the Live One in the library.

Raistlin: By the Dark Gods, I hope you weren't the one to give it that ridiculous appellation!

Crysania: Actually, it was Dalamar.

Raistlin: Figures.

Crysania: (sitting up in bed) Now, have you given any thought as to when we're going to pay Tika and Caramon a visit?

Raistlin: (petulantly) How about never!

Crysania: But he's your brother, Raistlin!

Raistlin: And he happens to be loud, malodorous, overprotective, overbearing, idiotic and an overall damned nuisance. What's your point, Revered Daughter?

Crysania: (sighing) All right, all right, we'll talk about this in the morning, when you're not so irritable.

Raistlin: Hmmph!

Crysania: (stroking his cheek) But in the meantime…why don't we just enjoy this time together? You've been working so hard all day…(pulls him in for a kiss)

SUDDENLY, THE BEDROOM DOOR SWINGS OPEN.

Bupu: Raistlin! (eyes the barely clad couple) Errr…I not interrupting anything, am I?

Raistlin: (smiling delightedly, he pushes an eager and amorous Crysania away) Don't worry, little one. It can wait.

Crysania: EXCUSE me! 


	5. Closing Time

OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

Disclaimer: I am not making any profit whatsoever by torturing…erm using the characters of Dragonlance in this fic.

GundamFoxfire: I'm not sure I'd recommend the frequent rereading of this story. It may lead to headaches, fatigue, temporary blindness, bizarre sexual fetishes, cannibalistic tendencies or the urge to write more fan fiction. Exercise caution.

Shannon and Embient: Thanks for the kudos! It's reviews like these that give me the strength to write when I am especially lazy.

Undead Ballerina 

CHAPTER 5: CLOSING TIME

THE GOD OF DARK MAGIC SEIZES LUNITARI BY HER LONG HAIR AND HOLDS THE SWORD'S BLADE TO HER THROAT.

Lunitari: Ack! Solinari, help!

A HANDSOME YOUNG MAN WITH GOLDEN HAIR, DRESSED IN PRISTINE WHITE ROBES MATERIALIZES.

Solinari: Nuitari! Are you out of your lawful evil mind? Let go of her!

Nuitari: You stay out of this, pretty boy!

Solinari: Just calm down and tell me what she did this time.

Lunitari: (eyeing the blade) I didn't do anything except summon a gully dwarf here. He's just in a foul mood lately because he's single and incredibly bitter.

Solinari: Oh, cousin! So this is why you keep yourself locked up in this dark tower and pretend to be brooding and malevolent…because you're really just a lonely and emotionally insecure man.

Nuitari: (sneeringly) That is NOT true.

Solinari: (patting him on the back) You don't have to hide your feelings from us, Nu. We're your cousins and we love you for who you are.

Nuitari: And if it were at all possible for an immortal to be nauseous, I'd be vomiting up my divine innards at this very moment.

Solinari: Now why don't you put down that sword and go for a nice, long stroll on Krynn. That always helps me unwind.

Nuitari: (sulking) Fine! But only because I have to get away from you people. (looks around as his laboratory) And don't touch ANY of my things while I'm gone!

Lunitari: (waving) We won't…

THE GOD OF DARK MAGIC VANISHES…

Lunitari: Yes! Now we can go through his private journal!

BACK IN THE HIGH TOWER OF SORCERY…

Raistlin: (crouching down in front of her) Now, how in the world did you manage to get inside the Tower, little one?

Bupu: I help red lady with sad cousin, used magic lizard cure. She cast spell and POOF, Bupu here.

Raistlin: A red-robe…you don't mean the sorceress called Jenna, do you?

Bupu: No…her name "loony-something"

Crysania: (scoffing) Lunitari? The goddess? She cannot be serious!

Raistlin: Quiet! That sounded like quite an adventure, little one.

Bupu: It WAS. Me never so far from home. But me never got scared…me hungry, though.

Raistlin: (smiling) I think we can do something about that…DALAMAR!

THE ELVEN APPRENTICE TELEPORTS TO THE CHAMBER

Dalamar: Yes, Shalafi?

Raistlin: I want to the take Bupu here and find her something to eat and a comfortable place to rest for the night. Is that understood?

Dalamar: (staring vacantly)……I…huh? What's going on?

Raistlin: Please refrain from ogling my wife in her nightgown. Now go find some food and a bed for our guest!

Dalamar: Certainly, Shalafi. Come along, Bupu.

THE GULLY DWARF HAPPILY FOLLOWS THE ELF OUT OF THE ROOM.

Raistlin: (watches her leave fondly) Adorable thing, is she not?

Crysania: (coolly) Hmmph. I could think of a few other adjectives…

Raistlin: hack Heh heh hehe cough…don't tell me that the grand and glorious Revered Daughter of Paladine is jealous of a little gully dwarf.

Crysania: I'm not jealous!...It's just that you never look that happy to see ME!

Raistlin: (dryly) Crysania, I wake up beside you every morning to find that you have stolen all the bedcovers while asleep, leaving me to freeze nearly to death. What can I say? The novelty wears off quickly.

Crysania: Yes, well one would think that you would give the woman who regularly lies with you first priority!

Raistlin: Yes, one would, wouldn't they? Good night, Revered Daughter.

Crysania: (hands clenched into fists) Raistlin, DARLING, you are so insufferable sometimes that you could make a serial killer out of FIZBAN.

Raistlin: You flatter me, my dear.

MEANWHILE, AT THE INN OF THE LAST HOME, TWO WOMEN ARE TIDYING UP THE MESS THAT IS INEVITABLE WHEN BUSINESS IS BOOMING.

Dezra: Thank the gods its closing time! Did you see the number of mercenaries we had today? I never had my ass pinched so many times in my life!

Tika: Look on the bright side, at least they tipped generously.

Dezra: So I hear Caramon's helping to build that new hospital in town. At least it will keep him busy.

Tika: Tell me about it! Even though he managed to pull himself back together while he was gone with his brother and Lady Crysania, I'm worried that he'll suffer a relapse. Right now he's glad to know that his brother's finally settled down with someone but he still misses him.

Dezra: If you can call it settled down!

Tika: (whispering) Look, here he comes! Try to make him think he's useful.

Dezra: (loudly) Oh, woe is me! I must take out all of this trash, but my fragile, feminine arms are too weak.

Caramon: (striding manfully) Don't worry, Dezra, I'LL help you!

Dezra: (clasping her hands together) My burly savior!

CARAMON LEAVES, SACK OF RUFUSE IN HAND

Tika: That should hold him for about an hour.

THERE IS A LOUD POUNDING AT THE DOOR.

Tika: Someone's outside.

Dezra: Oh, just ignore them. I'm not waiting on any more people today, I'm going to go home and get some sleep for once.

ON A MUDDY ROAD IN SOLACE, THE HEAVENS BEGINS TO UNLEASH A DELUGE OF RAIN UPON THE BLACK-ROBED GOD.

Nuitari: (sigh) Just my luck…a rainstorm. How bleak and depressing. (Waves his hand and creates an invisible dome around himself to prevent himself from getting soaked)  
Stupid cousins and their stupid meddling…

HE PAUSES TO LOOK AT A YOUNG WOMAN WITH PURPLE, YES PURPLE, HAIR WEARING DRENCHED RED ROBES. SHE IS POUNDING VIOLENTLY ON THE INN'S FRONT DOOR WITH HER STAFF.

Magess: (yelling) Hey, open up! It's raining out here, you rubes! Don't FORCE me to fireball you into the next plane of existence!

Nuitari: Be still my…foolish heart. 


	6. The Evils of Alcohol

OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

Disclaimer: While I do not own any of the Dragonlance heroes, I DID create the personalities of 'Squishy the Live One' and 'Norcyla the Mage'. Thus, using them in stories without my permission will result in a LOT of bitching and whining on my part.

Raistlin Majere: Have no fear; I have definite plans for Crysania's big confession in upcoming chapters. Ooo, this is going to be fun to write.

Embient: Let's just say the Revered Daughter is not above a little retribution…hmm, maybe I'm spoiling this…Nah.

Pen D. Fox and Alexia: Thanks again! I hope this chapter brings you lots of mirth and less disgust.

CHAPTER 6: THE EVILS OF ALCOHOL

Tika: It sounds like a woman, Dezra. I don't think we should leave her stranded out there.

Dezra: Fine. I just hope she's here to apply for a job as a waitress so we can finally get some help around here.

THE REDHEADED BARMAID OPENS THE DOOR, REVEALING THE SOAKED YOUNG LADY.

Magess: (shivering from the cold) Oh, good, I didn't have to resort to violent spell-casting after all.

Dezra: Eep!

Magess: Anyway, thanks for letting me in. It was really pouring out there.

Tika: You're drenched! Why don't you sit by the fireplace…(leading her to a table) Would you like anything to eat?

Magess: Some hot soup would be nice, if you have it.

Tika: We have some hearty rabbit stew left. I'm Tika Majere by the way, the owner of this inn. What were you doing traveling so late, and through such bad weather?

Magess: I was trying to find my way to a magic shop owned by a wizard called Jenna for an apprenticeship but I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere and then it started to pour. I'm Norcyla Cathgrim…and what are YOU staring at?

Dezra: Your hair…it's purple.

Norcyla: (darkly) Yes, I'm aware of that.

Dezra: (laughing self-consciously) Heh heh heh…I ment no offense, Miss. It suits you very well. Really!

Tika: Was that some weird effect from taking your magical test?

Norcyla: No, it was actually a cosmetic spell gone awry. Not everyone knows this, but platinum blonde is a really difficult shade to create.

A LARGE MAN APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY.

Caramon: Hey Dezra, I took out the trash like you wanted me to  
(spies Norcyla) By the gods, a wizard is here!

Norcyla: Err, yes. Hello.

Caramon: (gripping her shoulders) Tell me, do you know Raistlin Majere? Is he all right? Is he eating fine? Is his marriage with Crysania stable? DOES HE EVER TALK ABOUT ME!

Tika: (covering her eyes) Dear gods, not again…

Norcyla: Raistlin? That creepy recluse that holds himself prisoner in the High Tower of Sorcery? No, I don't know him. I didn't even know he was married! By Lunitari, that woman must have a lot of patience…Hey, what are you staring at?

Caramon: Your hair, it's…

Norcyla: (exasperated) PURPLE! I know! I wake up every day and look in the mirror, so it's not like I haven't NOTICED it already, you big ox! Can I please just have a room for the night?

Tika: Certainly, just follow me.

THE BARMAID LEADS THE IRATE SORCORESS UPSTAIRS…

Caramon: What a temper. Think she's going through some womanly problems or something?

Dezra: Ugh! (slaps him in the arm)

IN THE GUEST BEDROOM… Norcyla: Ugh, maybe I should have at least waited for that soup. I'm starving…

Nuitari: (invisible and inaudible to the girl) Maybe I can do something to remedy that.

A PLATE OF BISCUITS COVERED WITH HONEY APPEARS ON THE NIGHTSTAND.

Norcyla: Oh…I didn't notice this when I came in (begins to eagerly dig into the food, before pausing)…Wait one minute, who's here!

Nuitari: Dammit.

Norcyla: (searching the under the bed and in the closet) Come on out, you creep! I can sense somebody here!

BACK IN THE TOWER OF SORCERY, DALAMAR HAS TAKEN THE GULLY DWARF TO THE TOWER DINING ROOM.

Bupu: Food! Never seen so much in The Pitt! But all look strange, specially fruit.

Dalamar: That is because Shalafi has them specially brought to him from exotic places all over Krynn.

Bupu: Who is…shuffley?

Dalamar: Raistlin.

Bupu: (annoyed) Him no shuffle! Him walk proper like everyone…except when cough is bad, but that easily cured with magic lizard. Want to see? (starts to fish through her sack)

Dalamar: No, thank you. Why don't you eat something?

Bupu: What this?

Dalamar: That's a mango, they come from the Isle of Mithas

Bupu: What this?

Dalamar: That's a breadstick, but I'm certain you've seen one before.

Bupu: What this?

Dalamar: That's a bottle of red wine.

Bupu: (pulls off cork) Smells good! Me drink….(chugs down half the bottle in two seconds)

Dalamar: (trying to wrench the bottle from her hands) No so much, Bupu! That drink is very strong!

Bupu: Oooo…me hic feel like floating. Where did hic head go…?

Dalamar:…Shalafi is going to have my hide for this one…

Bupu: (shaking fist) Him no hic SHUFFLE, mean hic man!

Dalamar: Oh, be quiet and drink your booze!

LATER, IN THE TOWER'S MASTER BEDCHAMBER, OUR TWO LOVEBRIDS LIE TANGLED IN THE SHEETS.

Raistlin: (panting) There…are you…happy now, you fiend?

Crysania: Oh, definitely (happily snuggles closer to him)

Raistlin: Watch...the scratches! I think you…tore my back to ribbons…

Crysania: Mmmm…I didn't hear you complaining earlier.

Raistlin: Well, excuse me if I if was a little 'preoccupied', Crysania, with you trying to maul me like a starving tigress. If only Elistan knew what a wild-cat his disciple was…(smiles faintly)

Crysania: You're actually smiling for once.

Raistlin: What? No.

Crysania: That was most definitely a smile!

Raistlin: …It was a sneer.

Crysania: Of course it was, darling. Now I'm going to sleep…

10 MINUTES LATER, RAISTLIN IS SLEEPING FAIRLY PEACEFULLY WHEN CRYSANIA GETS UP OUT OF BED AND SNEAKS ONE DOOR DOWN THE HALL TO A STUDY. PICKING UP A PIECE OF PARCHMENT, SHE BEGINS TO WRITE.

Crysania: "Dear Caramon and Tika, it's been awhile since we've seen each other last and I was hoping that we would be able to get together sometime for dinner. I would invite you here, but the journey through Shoiken Grove would probably be a nuisance for you. Is it all right if we come over this Saturday evening?  
Cordially, Crysania Majere" (puts the quill pen down) Now to mail this… 


	7. Fizban PoleDances!

OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

Disclaimer: The panties I am wearing at this moment belong exclusively to me and Johnny Depp. That having been said, I do not own any of the Dragonlance characters OR their underwear. Thank you. In addition, sorry there's been some delay in me posting this but work has been piling up again. Ugh!  
Embient: Thank you for all your written support! You win first prize for having submitted the most reviews for this fic. I would have mailed Squishy to you as a prize, but I was out of postage stamps. I also hope you enjoyed my other story.

Spicyeggplant: Jeez, all right! It's posted already. Tee hee, great nickname by the way! 

CHAPTER 7: FIZBAN POLE-DANCES

BACK IN THE TOWER OF HIGH SORCERY, A DIMINUITIVE GULLY DWARF STAGGERS DRUNKENLY AROUND A CHAMBER

Bupu: …And me know lady is PRETTY, but why Raistlin with her? She give him no babies! Bupu very healthy! hic Could have three…no, MORE than three! And all gully dwarves look up to nice magician or hic else me kick shins!

Dalamar: (rolling his eyes) …That's fascinating, Bupu.

Bupu: (wagging her finger at the elf) And babies be SMART. Me would teach them all abouts magic! And pretty magician would be such good father…(trails off in a dreamy sigh)

Dalamar: Are we talking about the same Raistlin here? Here's something you should know about your "pretty magician". He's a crazed power-hungry, VENGEFUL man! Look at what he did to my chest! (tears open his robe, revealing the infamous holes)

Bupu: Ugh! Close robe already, scary elf! Me NOT need to see that.

Dalamar: Well, how do you think I feel about it! The ladies aren't exactly turned on by a torso filled with gaping, oozing wounds.

Bupu: Ugh…pasty elf chest make Bupu feel bad. Going to be sick now…HUUURK  
(runs to a nearby cauldron where she begins to violently lose her lunch)

Dalamar: Damn you, Bupu! I was brewing a virility potion in that!

Bupu: Quick, get magic lizard out of bag…need sick charm REAL soon BLUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

THE CLERIC OF PALADINE APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY.

Crysania: Dalamar if you're not too busy could you (spots puking Bupu)  
….In the name of all that is Holy and Good, WHAT is going on here!

Bupu: Pretty lady…bury me in nice place…

Dalamar: (laughing nervously) Heh heh heh… Well, Mistress, you see, it's a funny story…I brought her here to get something to eat and the gully dwarf managed to get a hold of a rather large bottle of red wine…

Crysania: (gasps) Why, she's so small, the amount of alcohol could make her seriously ill! We had better go tell Raist

Bupu:…And tell Raistlin me think he very handsome…and that he has nice smell…Not like Highbulp MLUUUUUHH!

Dalamar: (grabbing her arm) No, Mistress, you cannot! Shalafi would kill me! I can simply cast a 'neutralize poison' spell and she will be perfectly fine.

Crysania: All right, I won't tell him…provided you do something for me first. I want you to find some means of delivering this to the Inn of the Last Home by the morning. (hands him an envelope)

Dalamar: Where Shalafi's brother lives? (suspiciously) What exactly is that letter about, anyway?

Crysania: (cooly) That's for me to know.

Dalamar: All right, I'll do it. Now, Bupu, just stand still and I help you.

Bupu: Too late…getting darker…Crystal-lady, give pretty magician lots of babies…its Bupu's last wish.

Dalamar: (dryly) And I thought Shalafi was melodramatic sometimes.

MEANWHILE, AT THE INN…

Norcyla: Okay bastard, you may be invisible but I can detect you are in the northeast corner. Prepare to fry, creep! Ast kiranann kair Gardurm Soth-arn. Suh kali Jalaran!

A BOLT OF LIGHTNING STRIKES THE INVISABLE FIGURE. A SECOND LATER, NUITARI APPEARS, LOOKING AS COLD, HANDSOME AND BAD-ASS AS EVER. HE ALSO HAPPENS TO BE COMPLETELY UNHARMED.

Nuitari: Please don't overtax yourself for MY sake.

Norcyla: AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!

Nuitari: Shhh. Be not afraid, lovely one! I've not come here to harm you.

Norcyla: (clutching her staff) Who are you and what in the Nine HELLS are you doing in my room!

Nuitari: I have many names. Some call me the Nightreaver, others the Black Hand or the Ungod. But you will probably know me best as Nuitari, God of Dark Magic.

Norcyla: Ha! Wonderful, I'm trapped in a room with a guy crazier than Fistandantilus…wait; you're not him in disguise, are you? I didn't mean to Magic Missile you during my Test, it was an accident! See, I thought you were some kind of reanimated corpse, no offense, and

Nuitari: (somewhat impatiently) I already told you who I was, Norcyla.

Norcyla: (sarcastically) Sure thing, O powerful and terrible god of darkness. Now what do you want with me?

Nuitari: Simply to speak of my admiration for you.

Norcyla: Pfft! Go on with you!

Nuitari: I mean what I say. You are truly a gorgeous creature, even if you happen to be a short-lived human. Your eyes are as blue as sapphires, your skin fair as ivory and your hair…err…it's like…ummm…

Norcyla: (eyes narrowing)…Yes?

Nuitari: …It's like a curtain of the richest, most exquisite purple silk.

Norcyla: Good save. (smiling shyly) That's actually the nicest thing I've heard all year…

Nuitari: And the way you keep threatening magical mayhem against people is really quite a turn-on…

Norcyla: You flatter me…

Nuitari: (stepping closer to her) …and I could barely contain myself when you said you would torch the inn unless they opened the doors. You know, I'm always admired a woman who Ack! (the god trips over the hem of his robe)

Norcyla: Gah! (is knocked to the ground)

Nuitari: (sighing) By the High God, Lunitari was right. I'm just no good at this!

SUDDENLY, A MUSCULAR WOMAN WITH SHORT BLACK HAIR KICKS IN THE DOOR. SHE SPIES NUITARI SPRAWLED ON TOP OF THE MAGESS.

Kitiara: (brandishing a sword) I heard a shriek. Is everything all right in here? This guy's not molesting you or anything, is he?

Norcyla: (turning pink) Uh, no, we're all right.

Kitiara: By the gods, from the way she screamed, I thought you were murdering her. Look, I know what it's like to be young and filled with mind-consuming lust, but can you two try to keep it DOWN? People are trying to sleep, you know! (shaking her head) Damned horny mages…

THE WARRIOR WOMAN LEAVES

Norcyla: Well…that was awkward. 


	8. Big News For Caramon

OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

Note: I apologize for Chapter 7's rather misleading title of "Fizban Pole Dances". I sure there are a few out there who would have enjoyed reading about a geezerly mage shakin' his groove thing.

Cricket: Gee, thanks for all your CONSTRUCTIVE criticism without the use of profanity.

Kohaku Frost: Sadly, Crysania WAS pretty self-righteous in the novels, but I figured that after she got it on with the black robe, she mellowed out a bit. What can I say, I always thought they both deserved a break!

Embient: Hell, YEAH! Bupu is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Really, ANYONE who manages to have Raistlin like them is worthy of a few medals.

L. Moonshade: Not to worry! I have many more zany adventures planned for Raistlin and his acquaintances! It's just a matter of finding the time to write them…

Alexia S. Luclwit: Tee hee! I hope you're enjoying Nui's little courtship as much as I am!

Undead Ballerina

CHAPTER 8: BIG NEWS FOR CARAMON

Dalamar: Now Bupu, I want you to stay absolutely still while I cast this healing spell.

Bupu: (lying on the stone floor) Uggggh. Where your lizard?

Dalamar: I don't need one. Now just stay put! Ast nathalim kilar shupih guyakumin!

Bupu: (sitting up) Stomach feel better! And me no longer see two of everything.

Dalamar: Amazing, isn't it? Now Bupu, you can sleep on this comfy pile of blankets that I brought you. So if you will excuse me, I have a romantic evening planned with a certain salacious Red Robe.

THE ELF TELEPORTS OUT OF THE ROOM.

Bupu: (climbing on the blankets) Him must really like clothing…

Squishy: (slithering in) A-apprentice D-Dalamar, s-sir? We h-have a p-problem…a-another one of us f-fell into th-the Pool of S-see-seeing again

Bupu: Eeeeek!

Squishy: Gah!

BACK AT THE INN OF THE LAST HOME

Nuitari: (lamely) I guess I should get off of you now…

Norcyla: That would be the polite thing. Besides, you're cutting off the circulation to the wrist which happens to be connected to my spell-casting hand.

Nuitari: (getting up) Feh. I'm fairly sure than even PLASTER has a stronger resistance to battery than you mortals.

Norcyla: There you go with that "god" thing of yours again. Look, I know that you're male and thus must automatically have an ego the size of Ansalon, but could you give it a rest already?

Nuitari: What must I do to convince you of who I say I am?

Norcyla: Pfft. Short of transporting me to the Dark Moon? Not much.

Nuitari: (slyly) Oh, I think that can be arranged, my purple flower. (wraps an arm around her waist)

Norcyla: Hey, hands off the goods! Lightning might have no effect but I can still claw your eyeballs out!

Nuitari: Shhh! Ysaluk!

THE TWO VANISH IN A DARK CLOUD OF SMOKE

ON THE DARK MOON OF KRYNN, IN THE HIGHEST TOWER OF THE SINISTER PALACE…

Solinari: Oh, cousin, leave his belongings alone. It's not right to go through it without his permission.

Lunitari: Not until I find something to use for blackmail! Old love letters, some idiotic poetry he wrote, a painting of a kender woman in a chain mail bikini, ANYTHING.

Solinari: (dryly) I'm surprised you didn't decide to make copies of his personal journal for the rest of the gods to read. You've actually found something BENEATH you?

Lunitari: Not beneath me, Sol. There's just not really of interest there…unless you count the excerpts he's written about you.

Solinari: He writes about me!

Lunitari: Yep, and it's nothing too flattering either. And I quote… "Day 293847300282: Solinari has set out to find more followers as initiations into the White Robes has been somewhat lacking in the past few years. If you ask me, he couldn't find his ASS with two hands and a Locate Object spell."

Solinari: (turning red) WHAT! Why that insolent…

THE GOD OF DARK MAGIC AND HIS MAIN SQUEEZE MATERIALIZE IN THE CHAMBER.

Nuitari: Well, Norcyla, here we are on the Dark Moon. Are you satisfied?

Norcyla: (rubs her eyes and stares) I…uh…I…I can see Krynn from out the window!

Nuitari: (patting her hand) That's right, dear, you can. Well, well, well…I see you've decided to hang around, Lunitari.

Norcyla: (gaping) Lunitari!...My goodness, you weren't joking at all! (gets down on her knees) O great Veiled Lady of Magic! I kneel before thee!

Nuitari: Really now, that's hardly necessary. It's not like Lu DESERVES it or anything…

Lunitari: Hey! What the hell are you doing with my disciple, cousin!

Nuitari: I'm showing her around the palace, not that it's any business of yours.

Lunitari: (fuming) If you're thinking about converting her to the Black Robes, then you'd better forget it. I already lost Majere to you, you traitorous, scheming jackass!

Nuitari: Then you should be used to it by now…what's the matter with Solinari?

Solinari: "TWO HANDS AND A LOCATE OBJECT SPELL"!

Nuitari: (eyes narrowing) I see you've found the decoy journal

Lunitari: DECOY? Aw, crap. No wonder there wasn't anything juicy in it.

Nuitari: Out!

Lunitari: Fine! But don't expect me to sit around quietly if I see her in black anytime soon! Come on, Sol; let's go see if Dad has made a decision as to whether or not he should punish Raistlin for the death of his cleric yet.

Solinari: (grumbling) Damn Nuitari…rassin frassin fake journal...

THE TWO VANISH…

Nuitari: (cheerfully) So, shall we start the tour in my laboratory?

Norcyla: You're…you're…and that was!…(passes out)

Nuitari:…Perhaps later, then.

AS THE SUN BEGINS TO RISE OVER THE INN OF THE LAST HOME, THE MAJERES AND THEIR WAITRESS ARE SITTING DOWN AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE.

Tika: It's so odd! The magician woman left in the middle of the night, with no warning whatsoever.

Dezra: And she didn't even pay her bill. Cheapskate.

Kitiara: Quit using up all the jam, Caramon! (elbows him sharply)

Caramon: Ow, dammit, Kit! I take you into my house and this is how you thank me?

Kitiara: Thank you…(grabs the jar) Anyway, I don't think it's so strange considering she and her gentleman friend were probably looking for someplace a little more sound-proof.

A NOT SO GRUBBY MALE GULLY DWARF WANDERS IN CARRYING AN ENVELOPE.

Raf: Mail here!

Tika: Thanks, little guy. Now let's see…it's addressed to Caramon and I.

Kitiara: Oh, good. It's probably not another lay-off slip for your husband because he was too inebriated to work.

Caramon: (indignant) Hey! That only happened four times!

Tika: (opening the letter)…Oh my goodness!

Caramon: What is it, honey?

THE REDHEAD WORDLESSLY GIVES THE SLIP OF PAPER TO HER HUSBAND.

Caramon: Now let's see…dear Caramon and Tika…blah blah blah……BY THE SWEET GODS!

Dezra: (nearly choking on her juice) What is it?

Caramon: (chin trembling, eyes misty) My brother's coming back to me…this is the happiest day of my life! Nothing else on Krynn could ever compare! Ever!

Tika: (glaring) Hmmph. And I suppose our WEDDING day was just something for you to kill the time?

Caramon: Do you what this means! Maybe he and Crysania will want to move next door to the inn! Oh Tika, can't you feel the joy! (crushes her in an enthusiastic bear hug)

Tika: Ow, my ribs! Caramon, you're hurting me.

Caramon: I can see it now, he and the priestess will move into the big guest room where he can keep all of his magical equipment! And as the years go by his kids can play with our kids and(sniffles with joy) I think I'm going to cry!

Dezra: Don't you DARE blow your nose with that napkin! I'm going to have to wash that thing later, you know!

Caramon: Quick Tika, give me a pen! WE HAVE TO WRITE BACK TO THEM STRAIGHT AWAY!

Raf: Ok, when you done, I give it to birdy outside.

Dezra: Awww, would you look at his face? He's like a child at Yule, he's so excited!

Tika: (getting up) Now where did that quill go off to…?

Caramon: Never MIND. You'll taking too far too long. (unsheathes a dagger) I'll just write it in my own blood.

Kitiara: I somehow doubt most young children would resort to masochism like that. 


End file.
